Hey Little One,
This was a week that we looked forward to because it was the week that we would find out the results of our viability check. I had been deemed a high risk pregnancy and so this was one of the scheduled times they would check on you to make sure that everything was moving along appropriately.
I had some concerns going into this appointment because there had been some scary moments in this pregnancy. There had been spotting, cramping, bleeding, and moments of not feeling pregnant. I worried that something might be wrong but searched for any other viable option. I wasn't willing to admit that this might not end the way I had planned. I mean Jonathan told me about the pregnancy so it could only end with a happy, healthy baby on the other side... right? I was willing to entertain ideas of superfetation and twins rather than face the facts that odds are we were miscarrying and not carrying twins. But still I dreamed and planned about what I would need to do to prepare for this future.
When we arrived on Friday they did an ultrasound and found a little sack in my uterus. The problem was that there wasn't anything in the sack. At 8 weeks you should have a heart that beats loud enough that we could hear it but you didn't even seem to have a body. They told me that they weren't sure if it was a fluid sack or a gestational sack and that they would need me to come in in 48 hours to do more testing. They said that you were really small for 8 weeks and they hoped that I had just tracked my cycle wrong and so that would explain the difference in size. I had hoped that too because even when we first found out about you in the ER you were small and behind where they thought you should be.
So we took a trip as a family and went and walked a Christmas market together in Metz. I had hoped that our growing family would be able to take trips like this in the future and I reflected on the trips I had taken with Jonathan that way. His first trip to the zoo was that way and this time of year two years ago.
We went in on Sunday to do my HCG levels again and discovered that they had only increased by 10. They should double every 48 hours and mine had plateaued. When we calculated out where my HCG levels should be, the numbers stopped doubling about December 15th and yet here we were on the 31st finding out that you weren't growing.
They gave us some options but none of them were the one that I wanted. I wanted to carry you full terms and bring you home. I wanted to raise you and love you but they didn't give me that option. They were still afraid that it was an ectopic pregnancy and so they didn't want me to have a natural miscarriage. Besides your numbers weren't in my favor. You were measuring some where between 4-6 weeks and that means that I should have probably miscarried by myself by now and I wasn't. Maybe I wanted to hold onto you so much that I couldn't even do that. They said that I could do a D&C but didn't want me to because it causes scar tissue in the uterus. With my history of endometriosis I don't need anymore scar tissue. So they basically left me two options and both would medically end the pregnancy and force the miscarriage to happen. One medication would clear out anything growing outside of the uterus and was a chemotherapy drug and the other would clear out anything growing in the uterus. We opted for the second medication (misoprostol) because it would allow us to find out if it was an ectopic pregnancy or not. I would take the medication and then wait to see what my HCG levels would do. If they dropped rapidly than most likely it wasn't ectopic but it would also allow them to double check to make sure that everything was cleared out and my HCG levels went back to being negative again.
They had to do that because it was a holiday weekend. Normally they would take tissue and send it to a pathologist so that they would know what kind of tissue was inside me. However, with it being a holiday weekend it would take 3-4 days to even get the pathologist the tissue and then 3-4 days for the results and then the impending miscarriage would happen. If it was a normal pregnancy there wasn't a risk in waiting but if it I was ectopic than it could rupture by waiting a week.
We went down to the pharmacy to get the medication and on the way down and I read the paperwork they had given me. In it they talked about this being an abortion medication and the various doses needed depending on how far along the pregnancy was that you were trying to abort. I don't know that I had processed what they were asking me to do before that moment. In my mind I was taking medication to help the miscarriage because it wasn't happening naturally but in reality I was performing an abortion. The medical distinction between the two is a willful act to end a pregnancy and by that account I would be guilty. When we arrived at the pharmacy they were trying to figure out where we were coming from and why we were picking up a medication. They were confused that I came from L&D and that I hadn't been discharged. I couldn't be discharged because I wasn't ever admitted. They were trying to ascertain if I had already had the baby and I snapped at the poor girl. I told her that we hadn't had a baby and that was why we were there, to pick up my abortion medication because we had already lost the baby. She didn't really know how to react to me and honestly I wouldn't have known either. I still don't.
So we drove home on New Year's Eve knowing that when we went to bed that night we would start the medication that would end the pregnancy. We went out at midnight and watched as the town lit up with the fireworks in every direction. Dad gave me the medication and I cried as I went to sleep.
The contractions started about 5 AM. I wasn't prepared for the pain because they had only sent me home with some Tylenol. This wasn't like any other miscarriage and my body went through the labor process. About 5:17 I lost what I think was you and I cried and cried and cried. About 5:30 I went back to bed and the cramping just got worse and worse. About 9 AM I lost another large clot and then the cramping subsided.
We announced you to the world and it broke my heart. I had wanted to do a pregnancy announcement and not a death announcement. I had our pictures from Barcelona and a picture of Jonathan and I holding you. They are bittersweet memories now.
When I wrote Jonathan's birth story I included the names of all the nurses, doctors, etc. I had wanted to do that again with you but this story is a very different story. I was seen by Dr. Rodriguez and Dr. Lei. Dr. Lei was the one who performed the viability check. The nurse who recommended this course of action had the last name of Hernandez. Everything else is pretty much a blur.
I have really struggled to come to terms with this miscarriage. I had that I had to play a part in the ending of a pregnancy. It has made me feel like a monster and I don't know how to handle it. Dad is so very black and white and he isn't struggling with it the same way I am. He thinks that it just wasn't the time yet and that you are still coming to our family. He still thinks twins are on the way. I don't know what I think or feel anymore. It hurt so badly this time. I think part of it was the information coming from Jonathan and the feeling that it would all be okay. My definition of okay didn't include this. I wasn't prepared at all for this to even be a possibility. It also kills me that I played a part. I have second guessed that decision a million times. I have tried to figure out if there was a chance for you to make it. I have talked to family and friends, even the bishop in trying to find peace and comfort from this. I have felt so... I don't even know the word because I had an "abortion". I have fought with myself about whether or not I did and according to the medical world I did. But I didn't seek to end your life but maybe I didn't fight hard enough to save it. It has left me in a loop with so many unanswered questions that I don't know what to do. Daddy wants to start trying again as soon as we can and I still feel so numb. I have tried to find the silver linings and have tried to keep myself busy. The day I miscarried you I was busy cleaning and sent Dad to a game day with his friends. I needed the world to make sense and to keep spinning. I didn't want him home fussing over me but I struggled with him being gone because in some ways I felt so alone. I have tried to focus on the healing capabilities that I have been given. Without being pregnant and Jonathan being weened then I finally don't have Relaxin in my body and it means my hips might finally heal. I have been able to go to classes and feel strong again because my hips are starting to stabilize. It breaks my heart a little because I don't want to feel good and strong. I want to be pregnant with you.
As we went through the struggle of having Jonathan I have always said that if he is my only one I will never complain. I still stand by that but I am having a hard time with it. I feel like it isn't fair to your memory if I am not heartbroken and would complain about it and yet I know I have to stay true to my word there. It is like I am trying to be strong when really all I am is broken but I can't talk about how broken I am because then I would be complaining.
I am trying to make it through. I am trying to come to terms with what happened. I am trying to hold onto the fact that we will get to have you in our family again. On New Year's Eve I was having a conversation with Jonathan about you. I told him that we had discovered what he probably already knew but that the baby wasn't coming and had died. He looked up at me and said, "baby... baby home... baby home Papa". I burst into tears as I put on his pajamas. When I told Dad about it he was confused because Papa was in Arizona. I told him that Jonathan didn't mean that Papa but our Heavenly Father. As I hold onto the fact that you have returned to him, it eases the pain just a little. One day I will get to meet you again but until that day I hope you stay in His arms a little longer. As I hug Jonathan here I often say that I want to keep him forever. Heavenly Father must have felt the same way about you. So snuggle in little duck and know that I will see you again.
Until next time......
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