Hey Little One,
This was a week that we looked forward to because it was the week that we would find out the results of our viability check. I had been deemed a high risk pregnancy and so this was one of the scheduled times they would check on you to make sure that everything was moving along appropriately.
I had some concerns going into this appointment because there had been some scary moments in this pregnancy. There had been spotting, cramping, bleeding, and moments of not feeling pregnant. I worried that something might be wrong but searched for any other viable option. I wasn't willing to admit that this might not end the way I had planned. I mean Jonathan told me about the pregnancy so it could only end with a happy, healthy baby on the other side... right? I was willing to entertain ideas of superfetation and twins rather than face the facts that odds are we were miscarrying and not carrying twins. But still I dreamed and planned about what I would need to do to prepare for this future.
When we arrived on Friday they did an ultrasound and found a little sack in my uterus. The problem was that there wasn't anything in the sack. At 8 weeks you should have a heart that beats loud enough that we could hear it but you didn't even seem to have a body. They told me that they weren't sure if it was a fluid sack or a gestational sack and that they would need me to come in in 48 hours to do more testing. They said that you were really small for 8 weeks and they hoped that I had just tracked my cycle wrong and so that would explain the difference in size. I had hoped that too because even when we first found out about you in the ER you were small and behind where they thought you should be.
So we took a trip as a family and went and walked a Christmas market together in Metz. I had hoped that our growing family would be able to take trips like this in the future and I reflected on the trips I had taken with Jonathan that way. His first trip to the zoo was that way and this time of year two years ago.
We went in on Sunday to do my HCG levels again and discovered that they had only increased by 10. They should double every 48 hours and mine had plateaued. When we calculated out where my HCG levels should be, the numbers stopped doubling about December 15th and yet here we were on the 31st finding out that you weren't growing.
They gave us some options but none of them were the one that I wanted. I wanted to carry you full terms and bring you home. I wanted to raise you and love you but they didn't give me that option. They were still afraid that it was an ectopic pregnancy and so they didn't want me to have a natural miscarriage. Besides your numbers weren't in my favor. You were measuring some where between 4-6 weeks and that means that I should have probably miscarried by myself by now and I wasn't. Maybe I wanted to hold onto you so much that I couldn't even do that. They said that I could do a D&C but didn't want me to because it causes scar tissue in the uterus. With my history of endometriosis I don't need anymore scar tissue. So they basically left me two options and both would medically end the pregnancy and force the miscarriage to happen. One medication would clear out anything growing outside of the uterus and was a chemotherapy drug and the other would clear out anything growing in the uterus. We opted for the second medication (misoprostol) because it would allow us to find out if it was an ectopic pregnancy or not. I would take the medication and then wait to see what my HCG levels would do. If they dropped rapidly than most likely it wasn't ectopic but it would also allow them to double check to make sure that everything was cleared out and my HCG levels went back to being negative again.
They had to do that because it was a holiday weekend. Normally they would take tissue and send it to a pathologist so that they would know what kind of tissue was inside me. However, with it being a holiday weekend it would take 3-4 days to even get the pathologist the tissue and then 3-4 days for the results and then the impending miscarriage would happen. If it was a normal pregnancy there wasn't a risk in waiting but if it I was ectopic than it could rupture by waiting a week.
We went down to the pharmacy to get the medication and on the way down and I read the paperwork they had given me. In it they talked about this being an abortion medication and the various doses needed depending on how far along the pregnancy was that you were trying to abort. I don't know that I had processed what they were asking me to do before that moment. In my mind I was taking medication to help the miscarriage because it wasn't happening naturally but in reality I was performing an abortion. The medical distinction between the two is a willful act to end a pregnancy and by that account I would be guilty. When we arrived at the pharmacy they were trying to figure out where we were coming from and why we were picking up a medication. They were confused that I came from L&D and that I hadn't been discharged. I couldn't be discharged because I wasn't ever admitted. They were trying to ascertain if I had already had the baby and I snapped at the poor girl. I told her that we hadn't had a baby and that was why we were there, to pick up my abortion medication because we had already lost the baby. She didn't really know how to react to me and honestly I wouldn't have known either. I still don't.
So we drove home on New Year's Eve knowing that when we went to bed that night we would start the medication that would end the pregnancy. We went out at midnight and watched as the town lit up with the fireworks in every direction. Dad gave me the medication and I cried as I went to sleep.
The contractions started about 5 AM. I wasn't prepared for the pain because they had only sent me home with some Tylenol. This wasn't like any other miscarriage and my body went through the labor process. About 5:17 I lost what I think was you and I cried and cried and cried. About 5:30 I went back to bed and the cramping just got worse and worse. About 9 AM I lost another large clot and then the cramping subsided.
We announced you to the world and it broke my heart. I had wanted to do a pregnancy announcement and not a death announcement. I had our pictures from Barcelona and a picture of Jonathan and I holding you. They are bittersweet memories now.
When I wrote Jonathan's birth story I included the names of all the nurses, doctors, etc. I had wanted to do that again with you but this story is a very different story. I was seen by Dr. Rodriguez and Dr. Lei. Dr. Lei was the one who performed the viability check. The nurse who recommended this course of action had the last name of Hernandez. Everything else is pretty much a blur.
I have really struggled to come to terms with this miscarriage. I had that I had to play a part in the ending of a pregnancy. It has made me feel like a monster and I don't know how to handle it. Dad is so very black and white and he isn't struggling with it the same way I am. He thinks that it just wasn't the time yet and that you are still coming to our family. He still thinks twins are on the way. I don't know what I think or feel anymore. It hurt so badly this time. I think part of it was the information coming from Jonathan and the feeling that it would all be okay. My definition of okay didn't include this. I wasn't prepared at all for this to even be a possibility. It also kills me that I played a part. I have second guessed that decision a million times. I have tried to figure out if there was a chance for you to make it. I have talked to family and friends, even the bishop in trying to find peace and comfort from this. I have felt so... I don't even know the word because I had an "abortion". I have fought with myself about whether or not I did and according to the medical world I did. But I didn't seek to end your life but maybe I didn't fight hard enough to save it. It has left me in a loop with so many unanswered questions that I don't know what to do. Daddy wants to start trying again as soon as we can and I still feel so numb. I have tried to find the silver linings and have tried to keep myself busy. The day I miscarried you I was busy cleaning and sent Dad to a game day with his friends. I needed the world to make sense and to keep spinning. I didn't want him home fussing over me but I struggled with him being gone because in some ways I felt so alone. I have tried to focus on the healing capabilities that I have been given. Without being pregnant and Jonathan being weened then I finally don't have Relaxin in my body and it means my hips might finally heal. I have been able to go to classes and feel strong again because my hips are starting to stabilize. It breaks my heart a little because I don't want to feel good and strong. I want to be pregnant with you.
As we went through the struggle of having Jonathan I have always said that if he is my only one I will never complain. I still stand by that but I am having a hard time with it. I feel like it isn't fair to your memory if I am not heartbroken and would complain about it and yet I know I have to stay true to my word there. It is like I am trying to be strong when really all I am is broken but I can't talk about how broken I am because then I would be complaining.
I am trying to make it through. I am trying to come to terms with what happened. I am trying to hold onto the fact that we will get to have you in our family again. On New Year's Eve I was having a conversation with Jonathan about you. I told him that we had discovered what he probably already knew but that the baby wasn't coming and had died. He looked up at me and said, "baby... baby home... baby home Papa". I burst into tears as I put on his pajamas. When I told Dad about it he was confused because Papa was in Arizona. I told him that Jonathan didn't mean that Papa but our Heavenly Father. As I hold onto the fact that you have returned to him, it eases the pain just a little. One day I will get to meet you again but until that day I hope you stay in His arms a little longer. As I hug Jonathan here I often say that I want to keep him forever. Heavenly Father must have felt the same way about you. So snuggle in little duck and know that I will see you again.
Until next time......
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Sunday, December 24, 2017
12/24/17 - Week 7
So this week you were the size of a small pea and yet I feel like you are huge! I am stretching out much faster this time and it is messing with my head. I still can't keep anything down and yet I am gaining weight and getting big much faster than before.
This week we told Auntie MissyMoo about you and Great-Grandma & Grandpa Joe. Everyone is so excited about you!
Honestly, much of this pregnancy is me being sick and you getting bigger. I don't cook anymore. I did have the brilliant idea of hosting Christmas Adam which was rather brilliant and stupid. I don't cook and then I spent all day in the kitchen trying not to throw up while cooking. And then I had to not throw up while our guests were here. It was a rather precarious situation.
My only concern was on Christmas Eve because I felt a different kind of sick than I have thus far. The signs that showed up made me wonder if we have a pending miscarriage coming our way. Jonathan didn't help anything because he acknowledge you for the first time since we conceived. Before you were conceived he talked to you all the time and talked about you but after conception he completely stopped. When he pointed at my tummy and said "baby" again I wondered if you were still okay in there. I don't know but I know that it will be okay. It won't be easy but I also know it isn't the end.
We love you so much! We can't wait to meet you in like 32 weeks and hopefully you wait that long to meet us too. Until next week....
This week we told Auntie MissyMoo about you and Great-Grandma & Grandpa Joe. Everyone is so excited about you!
Honestly, much of this pregnancy is me being sick and you getting bigger. I don't cook anymore. I did have the brilliant idea of hosting Christmas Adam which was rather brilliant and stupid. I don't cook and then I spent all day in the kitchen trying not to throw up while cooking. And then I had to not throw up while our guests were here. It was a rather precarious situation.
My only concern was on Christmas Eve because I felt a different kind of sick than I have thus far. The signs that showed up made me wonder if we have a pending miscarriage coming our way. Jonathan didn't help anything because he acknowledge you for the first time since we conceived. Before you were conceived he talked to you all the time and talked about you but after conception he completely stopped. When he pointed at my tummy and said "baby" again I wondered if you were still okay in there. I don't know but I know that it will be okay. It won't be easy but I also know it isn't the end.
We love you so much! We can't wait to meet you in like 32 weeks and hopefully you wait that long to meet us too. Until next week....
Sunday, December 17, 2017
12/17/17 - Week 6
So this week you were the size of an appleseed and Dad couldn't handle it. That was his favorite size from Jonathan and now he had two appleseeds and it just made his day.
This week wasn't super eventful. We did discover my hormone levels came back good and a viability appointment was created for the 29th so that we can make sure everything is okay. I have been deemed a high risk pregnancy with the complications and my history so I am being monitored fairly closely.
I was still super sick this week and I worry that I am getting enough nutrients for everyone involved. I am still nursing Jonathan, growing you, and still need calories for myself. It means that my walking has taken a little bit of a hit but I am working on it again so that my hips will be ready for the upcoming relaxin issues that can pop up. We had told the grandmas and grandpas about you. Papa found out the day we were in the hospital because I wanted him to have good news before I might have to give him bad news. We have also told Uncle Mikkel because he lives with them and then they can ask questions without trying to be covert about the whole thing. As part of telling the grandparents we told Aunt Gerry and she was super excited as well.
We can't wait to meet you. Until next week!
This week wasn't super eventful. We did discover my hormone levels came back good and a viability appointment was created for the 29th so that we can make sure everything is okay. I have been deemed a high risk pregnancy with the complications and my history so I am being monitored fairly closely.
I was still super sick this week and I worry that I am getting enough nutrients for everyone involved. I am still nursing Jonathan, growing you, and still need calories for myself. It means that my walking has taken a little bit of a hit but I am working on it again so that my hips will be ready for the upcoming relaxin issues that can pop up. We had told the grandmas and grandpas about you. Papa found out the day we were in the hospital because I wanted him to have good news before I might have to give him bad news. We have also told Uncle Mikkel because he lives with them and then they can ask questions without trying to be covert about the whole thing. As part of telling the grandparents we told Aunt Gerry and she was super excited as well.
We can't wait to meet you. Until next week!
Sunday, December 10, 2017
12/10/2017 - Week 5
So it would appear that Jonathan is right, you are coming! This week I still couldn't get a positive test and was beginning to wonder what was going on. I still felt crummy all week but on Thursday things got particularly bad. I laid Jonathan down for a nap and then went to go take one myself. I laid down and the cramping started up. I knew that Dad would be home soon and would make me go see a doctor. I tried to set things up for someone to watch Jonathan and that took longer than expected. No one knew about you yet and so it was hard to get help without telling them we might, possibly be pregnant.
When I went in I said that I thought I was pregnant and was afraid it was an ectopic pregnancy. The triage nurse didn't seem to believe me because I hadn't had a positive home pregnancy test. We were admitted though and sent back to wait for the doctor. He showed up and asked why we were there and I told him the same thing. He confirmed that we were in fact pregnant and he wanted to do some blood work on me to see how things were with you. He also was nervous it was an ectopic pregnancy.
Nothing moved very quickly in the ER that night and every time they ran a test it was at least an hour wait for the results. They ordered an ultrasound for me and I was a little nervous about the woman doing the testing. I showed up and she said that since it was an emergency ultrasound that I wasn't allowed to look at the screen or take pictures. She was also very blunt about the fact that I would have to get my results from the doctor and she wouldn't discuss anything with me. I figured this would happen and wasn't really bothered by it. We chatted about infertility and they had struggled too. She had gotten pregnant a few years ago with an ectopic pregnancy but hadn't had any luck. She wore the same forced smile of someone who is accepting the plan without liking it. I found out during the exam that she was currently pregnant and had made it to the second trimester. She ended up being super sweet and I enjoyed my time with her.
Before I left she sat me down and said we needed to talk about the results. I was really confused because she had just said she wasn't going to talk to me but was interested in knowing what she saw. She said that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy yet but I was still super early along. She said the pain I was experiencing comes from the corpus luteum giving nutrients to growing egg. She said that the egg hadn't even implanted in the lining yet but the lining was very thick and I was showing signs of a very healthy pregnancy. She made me promise not to post it on Facebook and sent me on my way.
It was a relief to know that the signs were good. Dad was starving and ordered food to be delivered in the emergency room. I didn't even know that was an option honestly. Dad asked when I got back if we had any news and I said no because the door was open. He closed the door and I explained to him what she had told me. Dad broke into tears and was so excited that we would have another little one joining our family soon. He was so excited that I can't even describe his level of joy. The last time I saw him like that was when I told him we were pregnant with Jonathan.
I was grateful the tech stopped and talked to me because the results of the ultrasound told us that it wasn't ectopic yet but it was too early to rule that out in the future. It wasn't nearly as informative or comforting. They sent us home and told us to come back on Saturday for lab work to test my hormone levels. Trying to schedule coming in for my testing was like pulling teeth! It took a million phone calls and the whole thing was ridiculous. I got it all scheduled and then showed up and they didn't know what to do with me. The tested the results, after some bargaining and many explanations, but we don't know the results just yet. Hopefully we will know soon and everything will be good.
We love you and are excited for this new adventure! Until next week....
When I went in I said that I thought I was pregnant and was afraid it was an ectopic pregnancy. The triage nurse didn't seem to believe me because I hadn't had a positive home pregnancy test. We were admitted though and sent back to wait for the doctor. He showed up and asked why we were there and I told him the same thing. He confirmed that we were in fact pregnant and he wanted to do some blood work on me to see how things were with you. He also was nervous it was an ectopic pregnancy.
Nothing moved very quickly in the ER that night and every time they ran a test it was at least an hour wait for the results. They ordered an ultrasound for me and I was a little nervous about the woman doing the testing. I showed up and she said that since it was an emergency ultrasound that I wasn't allowed to look at the screen or take pictures. She was also very blunt about the fact that I would have to get my results from the doctor and she wouldn't discuss anything with me. I figured this would happen and wasn't really bothered by it. We chatted about infertility and they had struggled too. She had gotten pregnant a few years ago with an ectopic pregnancy but hadn't had any luck. She wore the same forced smile of someone who is accepting the plan without liking it. I found out during the exam that she was currently pregnant and had made it to the second trimester. She ended up being super sweet and I enjoyed my time with her.
Before I left she sat me down and said we needed to talk about the results. I was really confused because she had just said she wasn't going to talk to me but was interested in knowing what she saw. She said that it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy yet but I was still super early along. She said the pain I was experiencing comes from the corpus luteum giving nutrients to growing egg. She said that the egg hadn't even implanted in the lining yet but the lining was very thick and I was showing signs of a very healthy pregnancy. She made me promise not to post it on Facebook and sent me on my way.
It was a relief to know that the signs were good. Dad was starving and ordered food to be delivered in the emergency room. I didn't even know that was an option honestly. Dad asked when I got back if we had any news and I said no because the door was open. He closed the door and I explained to him what she had told me. Dad broke into tears and was so excited that we would have another little one joining our family soon. He was so excited that I can't even describe his level of joy. The last time I saw him like that was when I told him we were pregnant with Jonathan.
I was grateful the tech stopped and talked to me because the results of the ultrasound told us that it wasn't ectopic yet but it was too early to rule that out in the future. It wasn't nearly as informative or comforting. They sent us home and told us to come back on Saturday for lab work to test my hormone levels. Trying to schedule coming in for my testing was like pulling teeth! It took a million phone calls and the whole thing was ridiculous. I got it all scheduled and then showed up and they didn't know what to do with me. The tested the results, after some bargaining and many explanations, but we don't know the results just yet. Hopefully we will know soon and everything will be good.
We love you and are excited for this new adventure! Until next week....
Monday, December 4, 2017
I Think You Are Coming
Baby Dennis,
I seem to be getting reminders again and again that you are going to be joining our family soon. From promptings to jokes, the feelings come that another little one needs to join our family and sooner than we had initially planned. I won't lie and say there isn't some nervousness that comes with this news. I am still recovering from my hip injury with Jonathan and I am not as far along as I would like to be before I got pregnant again. I also haven't managed to lose the baby weight from Jonathan. There are the fears that pop of up being a mom of two little ones. Sometimes I don't feel like I am very good at being a mom of one and so being a mom of two seems scary. I worry that I won't love you both enough or be enough for both of you. But when those fears creep up, I also get the feeling that it will all be okay in the end.
So there are some stories that I want to tell of these promptings that have come. Dad and I have felt prompted for a while that a little one was coming. We didn't know when or how but we knew we needed to get ready. On November 4th Jonathan and I went to a girl's night with some local people. When I went to buckle him into his carseat on the way back home he pointed to my stomach, said "baby" as clear as a bell, and giggled. I asked him if there was a baby in my tummy and he laughed and laughed and laughed. Now I know the veil is still coming in for Jonathan and there are sometimes that he is able to see things that I can't even imagine. For example, he told me who Jesus was not the other way around. There are other times that I can see that veil start to thicken and he is losing the other side. Oh it makes me so very sad! But in that moment the veil wasn't very thick.
I told Dad about the experience and he decided to quiz Jonathan about the baby on their next drive together. I don't know all the specifics but I do know that by the end Jonathan had confirmed there was a baby and that it was a "brother". Daddy came home over the moon about a new little one joining our family. It was during this drive that Dad was prompted as to what your name should be if you were in fact a boy, Daniel Grant Dennis. When I asked him about this name he said that he wanted one of our kids to be named after my dad. I was curious as to his rationale for that decision and he said that my dad was an amazing guy but he also hoped that Jonathan would love his brother like he loves his Papa. Jonathan and Papa have an amazing bond and I too, hope he shares that bond with you.
As we continued in the next few weeks we thought about what your name would be if you were a girl. However, I don't think a girl will be joining our family anytime soon. I know there is a little girl that will join our family but I think she will be towards the end. Anyway, I had received a prompting in the temple a little while ago that I needed a girl name and have been actively trying to fulfill that prompting. Any name that I try to come up with seems wrong and is quickly forgotten. As I have tried and tried to come up with a name I finally found one that stayed, Elaina Pearl (though we might not spell it that way).
However, it turns out that when Jonathan pointed at my tummy I wasn't pregnant just that moment. In fact, my period started two days later and I was so lost and confused. I figured I must have gotten the signals mixed up and went on with life. Imagine my surprise when within a week I had horrible morning sickness. I couldn't stand food or the smell of it. My nose could smell things a mile a way again. I was tired all the time and just miserable. I couldn't keep things down and I thought about the conversation with Jonathan again. It doesn't make sense because the biology of it should have been wrong but I know that God can work miracles.
As our trip to Barcelona was approaching for Thanksgiving I started to dread the trip. I would have to fly and there would be smells! The zoo was the worst and I swore I would never go to another zoo pregnant! It was on the Barcelona trip that I took my first pregnancy test. Dad thought for sure I was far enough along and he figured it would help me mentally to have some answers. I took the test and it came back as a resounding no. We came back a few days later and I took another one, again no. I waited a few more days and the answer hadn't changed. I tried again a few days later and still the same no. I tried again yesterday and the answer was still no.
To add to the other symptoms my hip slid out on Thursday morning. I rolled out of bed and went to stand and had to catch myself from falling because my left hip gave out on me. It has been really sore since then and I have had to stretch it and baby it a little bit. I have been swimming twice and walking at least a little bit every day. I went from being at almost 2 miles a day to be under a mile again. The only thing that makes sense with my hip would be the relaxin that the body produces in the early weeks of pregnancy. Relaxin helps with implantation and things of that nature. However, because of the exercises I have been doing I am healing faster than I ever had.
I was really struggling with my hip on an emotional level because I need to be able to take care of my family. I can't just sit around like last time because I have Jonathan to look after too. As I was struggling I prayed to God and told him I couldn't do this for 10 months. He reminded me that I was right but I could do it for today. So I have changed my mindset and am just getting through this one day at a time and one moment at a time.
We should know in a few days if we are really pregnant or not. Dad and I were talking last night that if we aren't pregnant this will be harder than any other miscarriage before it. Dad is completely convinced you are coming and walks around saying "what can I say except your pregnant" all day long. We even took announcement pictures in Barcelona because we were so certain. I don't know for sure one way or another. Some days it feels like I must be and other days I wonder. What I do know is that even if you aren't coming right now, I still know you are coming. I know it so much that I have already talked to Grammie Cami and Grammie Pearl about it. I do know that I wish I knew for certain so that I could explain to people about my symptoms and my hip. But I can't do that until I know for absolute certain. So while we wait to know I just wanted you to know the history of everything. We love you and are excited for you to one day join our family.
Until next time....
I seem to be getting reminders again and again that you are going to be joining our family soon. From promptings to jokes, the feelings come that another little one needs to join our family and sooner than we had initially planned. I won't lie and say there isn't some nervousness that comes with this news. I am still recovering from my hip injury with Jonathan and I am not as far along as I would like to be before I got pregnant again. I also haven't managed to lose the baby weight from Jonathan. There are the fears that pop of up being a mom of two little ones. Sometimes I don't feel like I am very good at being a mom of one and so being a mom of two seems scary. I worry that I won't love you both enough or be enough for both of you. But when those fears creep up, I also get the feeling that it will all be okay in the end.
So there are some stories that I want to tell of these promptings that have come. Dad and I have felt prompted for a while that a little one was coming. We didn't know when or how but we knew we needed to get ready. On November 4th Jonathan and I went to a girl's night with some local people. When I went to buckle him into his carseat on the way back home he pointed to my stomach, said "baby" as clear as a bell, and giggled. I asked him if there was a baby in my tummy and he laughed and laughed and laughed. Now I know the veil is still coming in for Jonathan and there are sometimes that he is able to see things that I can't even imagine. For example, he told me who Jesus was not the other way around. There are other times that I can see that veil start to thicken and he is losing the other side. Oh it makes me so very sad! But in that moment the veil wasn't very thick.
I told Dad about the experience and he decided to quiz Jonathan about the baby on their next drive together. I don't know all the specifics but I do know that by the end Jonathan had confirmed there was a baby and that it was a "brother". Daddy came home over the moon about a new little one joining our family. It was during this drive that Dad was prompted as to what your name should be if you were in fact a boy, Daniel Grant Dennis. When I asked him about this name he said that he wanted one of our kids to be named after my dad. I was curious as to his rationale for that decision and he said that my dad was an amazing guy but he also hoped that Jonathan would love his brother like he loves his Papa. Jonathan and Papa have an amazing bond and I too, hope he shares that bond with you.
As we continued in the next few weeks we thought about what your name would be if you were a girl. However, I don't think a girl will be joining our family anytime soon. I know there is a little girl that will join our family but I think she will be towards the end. Anyway, I had received a prompting in the temple a little while ago that I needed a girl name and have been actively trying to fulfill that prompting. Any name that I try to come up with seems wrong and is quickly forgotten. As I have tried and tried to come up with a name I finally found one that stayed, Elaina Pearl (though we might not spell it that way).
However, it turns out that when Jonathan pointed at my tummy I wasn't pregnant just that moment. In fact, my period started two days later and I was so lost and confused. I figured I must have gotten the signals mixed up and went on with life. Imagine my surprise when within a week I had horrible morning sickness. I couldn't stand food or the smell of it. My nose could smell things a mile a way again. I was tired all the time and just miserable. I couldn't keep things down and I thought about the conversation with Jonathan again. It doesn't make sense because the biology of it should have been wrong but I know that God can work miracles.
As our trip to Barcelona was approaching for Thanksgiving I started to dread the trip. I would have to fly and there would be smells! The zoo was the worst and I swore I would never go to another zoo pregnant! It was on the Barcelona trip that I took my first pregnancy test. Dad thought for sure I was far enough along and he figured it would help me mentally to have some answers. I took the test and it came back as a resounding no. We came back a few days later and I took another one, again no. I waited a few more days and the answer hadn't changed. I tried again a few days later and still the same no. I tried again yesterday and the answer was still no.
To add to the other symptoms my hip slid out on Thursday morning. I rolled out of bed and went to stand and had to catch myself from falling because my left hip gave out on me. It has been really sore since then and I have had to stretch it and baby it a little bit. I have been swimming twice and walking at least a little bit every day. I went from being at almost 2 miles a day to be under a mile again. The only thing that makes sense with my hip would be the relaxin that the body produces in the early weeks of pregnancy. Relaxin helps with implantation and things of that nature. However, because of the exercises I have been doing I am healing faster than I ever had.
I was really struggling with my hip on an emotional level because I need to be able to take care of my family. I can't just sit around like last time because I have Jonathan to look after too. As I was struggling I prayed to God and told him I couldn't do this for 10 months. He reminded me that I was right but I could do it for today. So I have changed my mindset and am just getting through this one day at a time and one moment at a time.
We should know in a few days if we are really pregnant or not. Dad and I were talking last night that if we aren't pregnant this will be harder than any other miscarriage before it. Dad is completely convinced you are coming and walks around saying "what can I say except your pregnant" all day long. We even took announcement pictures in Barcelona because we were so certain. I don't know for sure one way or another. Some days it feels like I must be and other days I wonder. What I do know is that even if you aren't coming right now, I still know you are coming. I know it so much that I have already talked to Grammie Cami and Grammie Pearl about it. I do know that I wish I knew for certain so that I could explain to people about my symptoms and my hip. But I can't do that until I know for absolute certain. So while we wait to know I just wanted you to know the history of everything. We love you and are excited for you to one day join our family.
Until next time....
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